Today was one of the most difficult days I have had in years. It was bad on every level. I literally took everything that mattered to me, stuffed it into boxes and put it in to my trunk. You see, I have always tried to be a good kid for my mom. But today I just snapped. I was the definition of livid. My mother has a very passive and “in control” demeanor to her, so I’ve always just kinda agreed with whatever rules she puts on me. But her bullshit really got to me today. I spoke my mind, in a big way. I told her that I only live with her because it’s close to my school, it’s free and convenient. (Also I can’t afford my own place at this moment.) I would love, love, love to move out tomorrow if I had the chance. Long story short, my mother wasn’t having any of it. She took some weird caps off all the hoses in my car so it wouldn’t start.
All in all, I’m starting a “Help me get the fuck out of here” campaign. (Not really.) She makes me feel like a 10 year old. She tells me “don’t use me as an excuse to not have fun.” But honestly, the thought of me doing anything she doesn’t agree with (she’s very old-timey and conservative) is terrifying. I don’t even want to know what kind of bullshit she would pull on me. I told her that I have absolutely no idea who I am, because of all of her judgements, rules and stuff. She basically just told me off. I asked for the caps back for my car and she’s like, “Just relax and stop acting like a two year old.” I had never been more serious in my life. All my anxiety and fear that rules my life has come from her in a big way.
I’m ranting right now, but she told me she was going to cancel the internet…so I don’t know if I’ll have it tomorrow or not. She doesn’t know I blog, and honestly without my blog and your emails I’d probably be in a hospital again right now. If she takes it away, I’ll be so lost. Which is why I really just need to get the hell out of here and start supporting myself. But I’ve been applying for jobs for months and months, no one is really hiring though so I don’t really know what to do. Basically, I’m completely miserable and I don’t see any end in sight. I hate this feeling and I don’t want to be trapped here, but I really am. This is just pure hell. I’m not happy, at all. So I’m sorry if I disappear for awhile, I don’t have any way of checking my email without my computer/internet but if my mom ends up not canceling the internet I would love some advice or support. I’m just totally lost.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
