Wow, my lows just keep getting lower and lower. I don’t know how many times in the past year and a half I’ve said “Today is the worst day of my life.” And really meant it. To be completely blunt, my life is just fucked up right now. I don’t know how else to put it. Today my mom told me I had to get out, for good really. She told me she doesn’t trust me and that’s she’s scared of me. From the moment we just started talking I was just completely, dumbfounded. I was speechless for so many of the terrible things she said about me. I’m one of the least violent or aggressive people you will ever know. And she’s saying that because I’ve been having so much trouble going to school and following through on things, that I just have to get out.
It’s all totally ridiculous. Honestly, I just want her to know how hard I try everyday to get to school and live up to her expectations. But trying doesn’t get any credit in this house. It’s you do it or I don’t give a fuck. This is something that I cannot really understand. I just wish she knew how hard it is to always DO things when you’re really depressed and in such a weak, scary place in life. But I don’t get any credit for trying. Some days it’s just harder than others, and I guess since today I didn’t do “enough” (like usual) for her, she just laid it out. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. I feel no real connection to her as my mother.
I’m not saying that’s how I want things to be either. I really, really, really don’t. But how can I be close with someone I can’t even begin to understand or get along with. I try to satisfy her as best I can to the point where I have no clue what I need or what I want. Her constricting views of my life are so hard to deal with. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I really don’t.
I’m taking a year off of school after this to travel and see the world, and really find out what I need to be satisfied with myself. Because I have no idea. I told my mom that I wanted to travel and stuff and during our first conversation it was, “I’ll have nothing to do with a trip like that and you can’t use my car and I won’t help you out if you need anything on the road.” We had a second conversation about that trip and I still feel like she only sees it as a waste of time where I’m not doing anything “healthy” or whatever. The connection between us has been so totally severed and I don’t know how to deal with it. I cried today for 45 minutes just thinking to myself, “I don’t have a mom.” Over and over again. I felt like she died today.
So I’m going to start looking at apartments and I’m going to see if I can get a short 3-5 month lease on one so I’m not stuck paying it while I’m not living there. I’ve never looked at apartments before, it’s a bit scary. I don’t even know if I can get one. I’ve never had a credit card in my life and I know they check your credit score and all that, so… I’m going blindly. But I just hope this doesn’t get any more in the way of me finishing school. This wasn’t my plan for myself and this wasn’t my parents either, and it doesn’t feel good to not know where you stand or where you’re going. … I feel like shit.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
