Winter is coming and I want to rock all this stuff for the season. <33333 Eeee, that’s love.
So it’s officially my birthday today. As excited as I was for the past few weeks about it, my feelings are completly mixed at the moment. According to what my mom told me, I need to move out as soon as I can find a place to live. Why? Because I haven’t been going to school. To be completely honest, I’ve been wanting to make very stupid decisions for the past 3 weeks. I’ve just been feeling totally completely low that I just keep thinking about ending it all. For good. This isn’t me asking for pity or anything. It’s just where I’m at. I’ve been wanting to die for 3 weeks, and I haven’t been to school since some time in September. It’s fucked up and I realize that I have absolutely no time left to make all these choices I need to make.
College Portfolio Day is this Saturday, and I was getting all ready for that for a while but now, I just want to drop out of high school and get the hell out of this house. I have so many things coming at me at this point in my life, but I’m just like stuck at the bottom of a hole, and I just can’t make any healthy decisions. It’s just this: I decide whether to finish school now, or not. I’m personally in a completely terrible place right now and I just keep expecting it to get better. I go to therapy, I take 16493 pills a day to make me feel more stable. But I just cannot find it in to me make it through all this. And it’s been such a pattern, I’ve been here twice or three times before and I completely hate it.
The only difference now is that my entire future is really on the line. I’m totally lost. I know in my head that I should go to school and just fucking finish it out, but my heart is just like… this is going to ultimately kill you. So I’m totally torn. This is about as real as a blog post can get I guess, haha. Sorry for the drama, I’m not asking for anyone to solve my problems. I’ve asked everyone I could and I realize that everything is completely in my lap right now. But I just don’t know what to do with all these thoughts and choices. I don’t want to end up back in a psychiatric hospital again, because it’s just a dumb temporary fix. I need something to just break open inside me so that everything will be okay, not good, not great… just okay. So I can have some sort of future. I’m just so fucking low right now and I could ramble on forever, but it never gets me anywhere, so I’ll stop now. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
