I am officially back now. Hopefully for good and with a vengeance. I’m not very happy that this whole transition for me to finish school and start living my own life is not a smooth one. My relationship with my mom has just gotten so terrible and tense in the past few weeks. A lot of the time she sort of throws all of these responsibilities at me out of anger and spite. (Haha, and I’m really stubborn so I hate to do it then.) But I just wish it could be sort of a fun thing where I get to start taking care of more of my own stuff and being able to make more decisions without her. But it’s just not going that way at all. My plans after high school include moving to California. I wanted to take a reallllly long road trip there during the summer with my car. But my mom was just like, “No, the car won’t make it and it’s under my name you can’t take it.” That’s just one example of our less than pleseant conversations. It’s just tough to have made plans for yourself assuming your family will be there to support and help you only to find out that they are going to be extremely closed minded about the whole thing. I mean, pointing out that I might have car trouble is one thing, saying ‘no it’s mine, you can’t have it’ (after letting me use it for a year without restrictions) is just insane. 
Other than that family stuff I’m doing pretty good. I’m ultra behind on all my email and homework duty so I’ve prepped myself to get back on track and work hard through graduation (January).
After that, I really have no clue what’s in store for me. My mom has also told me that I need to move out in like January or December because of all the school stuff I’ve been going through. Which is my punishment. I find that incredibly frustrating because she expects me to be able to finish my last year of school while finding my first place to live and figuring out how the fuck I’m going to pay for rent… *sigh* My dad’s birthday is tomorrow. I have no present or card, but I really wish I hung out with him more. Everything just seems very, very difficult right now. Having my mom cut me off pretty much and telling me I have to pay for pretty much everything I want (other than rent) has got me really stressed out. Basically I’m back, and I’m going to keep fighting through this, alone. I really thought growing into an adult and finishing school would have my relationship with my mom changing… but for the better. Where we could start to bond in a new way. But it’s all just her punishing me and being selfish and playing lots of immature games with me. I don’t like her at all right now. *Sorry for the ranty, sad post. It’s just how I’m feeling right now.*
Honestly, I feel like no one really know where I’m coming from or where I’m trying to go. I have absolutely no role models or people to look to for guidance anymore. My social worker constantly tells me how my idea of leaving and moving away and going on a road trip is such a bad idea, and that I shouldn’t do it. I’m not good at convincing myself to do something for myself, because I’ve had so many people in my life tell me how I don’t know myself at all and how I make decisions based on magical thinking or without thinking. I don’t think I do that at all. I’m an incredibly realistic person, and I don’t think that moving out of state is something easy to do, I’ll be leaving everything I know. But that’s where I’d like to be and I think I just need to find someone willing to support me, and guide me. And not just tell me how dumb or stupid it is…
Lots of pictures coming soon! I’m going to amp up this site as much as I can, while managing school and life. Keep coming back and looking for new sets. Tell all your friends, haha.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
