Published on
September 30, 2008 in
General.
OMG! Someone looked into my future and wrote a movie about it. I’m in the shark suit on the left. (Though that picture was taken years ago…) On the right is a screen caption from the movie “Eagle vs. Shark.” I need to find my eagle now. Where are you? Haha, I’ll have to watch the movie and plan my life accordingly. Looks like I’ll end up with a geek in the end! I knew it. Speaking of movies, anyone seen “Choke” yet? I’m going to see it, even if I have to go alone. The main character is just too fucked up NOT to adore. Sex addicts. <3 Other news… I was super productive today. I paid my rent, and signed up to earn my last high school credit. Uhh I donated to charity and got some other papers in order. I paid off two credit card bills. I even walked Ms. Daisy. Well not SUPER productive but at least I got something done. I’m also looking in to health insurance that I’ll have to start buying in a few weeks. Holy fuck is the health insurance business confusing! Deductibles, premiums, copayments, eghh. I needed my glossary open the whole damn time. And seeing as how people seem to enjoy threatening my life nowadays I sure will be needing that emergency coverage. Hah! Yeahhh! What’s with the hate from the male spectrum of the world? Not getting laid enough? I get it all the time from the females, but this is new. Must be the weather. I hear a man’s sperm count goes up in winter… (okay that’s not realllly related but I don’t care!) Well boo hoo, I’ll just go find the androgynous kids on the playground and play with them. 
Haha things are actually pretty good life-wise though. I like wearing hoodies!! And my car was still there last time I checked too!
PS- Holy crap is “Broken English” a really good movie. I identified with the main character too much. I’d like a french eagle boy please!
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
Published on
September 29, 2008 in
General.
I drew this today.
Click on the picture to see it full size. I have no idea why I finally finished that piece (if it is finished). I started it about four years ago when I was dating my first boyfriend and basically oblivious to any sort of drawing skills. I just remembered the piece and searched it out in one of my old ass portfolios. Then I just went at it for about 3-4 hours. The time flew. It was really strange. I haven’t made any art in a long time. Not that this is anything super great, I could tell you a million things still not quite right with it yet. But it’s sort of nifty. I didn’t use any reference photos for the final thing you see there. So I just sorta went with my instincts and came out with a very average looking model type woman with fabulous eye lashes! <3 (AHA I was channeling Sheryl Crow with a little interference from Shakira’s hair!) My brother was in town for this weekend so it became yet another ‘family’ weekend. I have absolutely nothing planned for this week and that makes me sort of sad. But, I DO have my car back. So maybe I’ll go solo on some sort of lame adventure. Yeah, not much else to tell really… give me ideas for a birthday celebration! And no I don’t want to get drunk or have a big party… anything else?
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
Published on
September 26, 2008 in
General.
Okie dokie! So not only was a feeling better yesterday about things in general, I’m feeling even better today. Travis wrote me back and his business is his and it’s not my place to write anything about that here. But we have a lot in common I think and I understood where he was coming from more than anything. I was surprised at how worried I had gotten about him. At one point I was pretty sure I’d never hear from him again. But the fact that my heart is much bigger than I thought it was really shocked me. And scared me a bit, but not in such a terrible way. It hurts to care about someone a lot when they have no idea, or don’t care. But I know that’s not the case here. So hopefully my big gigantic overly squishy heart will make for a nice pillow or something. Haha. I have no idea what I’m even trying to write anymore. Sorry! Point is, no more worries about me. I’m fine. And I know where I need to be and that’s helpful x1000!
You know how I said we were getting a car alarm installed? Well the stupid fuckers at Best Buy destroyed my car. They installed it and then lookie at that, it doesn’t start! My mom is currently trapped at the store with no way to leave, as she was just going to wait while they installed it and then leave. But it looks like now my car will need EVEN MORE repairs, only this time no insurance to save my life. That’s seriously screwed up. My brother is coming into town tonight to. So she’s trying to scramble for some solution to get back to her own car so she can pick him up at the train depo. Talk about bad timing! And my car seems to be cursed. I’m convinced, they sold it because of some freaky bad luck that followed it around. Haha! Oh man. So I’ll be lazing around for a bit. I’m behind on this week’s update for the members, so I gotta put something together for that. Otherwise, I’ll be with family for a bit. Again, thanks for all the comments and emails! I’m good and I’m sure Travis will be fine too. I’m a damn good listener and shoulder to lean on if I do say so myself…
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
Published on
September 26, 2008 in
General.
Okay, okay, so I lied. Writing does help… well actually, more reading all the lovely responses. I wasn’t sure if my rant would just confuse people or what, but a lot of you (even some lurkers, I’m such a proud blog mom! *tear*) commented/messaged me with support. I feel much better today. Nighttime is just really difficult for me, and when I can’t sleep for hours upon hours my mind goes crazy like that. I didn’t get to sleep until 6AM. But I slept real well after that. My car is all repaired from the break-in. But before I bring it back to the city I’m having an alarm system installed. Hopefully the “Secured by” stickers and blinky red light will spare my car from any further attacks. Plus, I’m not gonna do anything stupid like leave GPS residue in the car (it attracks theives like crazy!) I went to the doctor today. They showed me a little chart of my weight. And the doctor looked at it and said, “This one right here I think is a mistake, because that’s just too high.” And I’m like, “Noo that’s real.” And he didn’t believe me! Haha! So then he’s like, “Ohhhhh welll…” Etc. You get the point it was funny. But my weight looks like some guy pitched a tent in his sweats. (Ahah, that is a terrible metaphor!) So, they told me to come in tomorrow to get blood work done. I have no idea if I’m going to do it or not. I’m really scared. I think I’ll just use the power of suprise and randomly drive over and shove myself inside the building.
By the way, I had a very eerie moment in the waiting room. There are windows lining the top of the walls in the building (pretty high up) and there were these crows. Black menacing looking crows. Silhoutted by the sun. And they started pecking at the windows and scratching them. The nurse then said that they’d been trying to get in for about a week. And they just recently started pecking at the glass and getting smarter. So it was really creepy because they’d jump up and flap their wings and scratch at the glass with their claw/feet thingies. I seriously felt like I was in a not-very scary version of “The Birds”. I have no idea why they were doing that. And I could just not figure it out. It was completely bizarre. So of course that means someone I know is going to die or something. Because, that’s the ONLY logical conclusion you can come to in these sorts of events. Haha anyways, I’m picking up the pieces of life and trudging forward to my inforseeable future. Who knows… Whatever happens happens. I’m not excited, but I’m fine with the idea of something changing for the better. Because I know things can’t get any worse. But I’m not holding my breath about anything ever again. I’m fine. And that’s fine with me. But I still want to do something really crazy. Just because I can. And I still have some wild energy I need to burn off.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
Published on
September 25, 2008 in
General.
I am so fucking enraged right now. If I had a gun I would be shooting it straight up into the sky above me and hoping that one of the bullets falling back to earth would land in my skull. I need to do something, but I have nothing to DO. PS- If you’re having a shitty day don’t watch “He Was a Quiet Man”. Great movie… until the ending. Lucky bastard. I will not ever, ever, ever be the same again. I’ll be that bitch who throws tantrums, and fights with her nails. Humiliates men just to get her kicks. I’ll be the cunt everyone hates, and I’ll love you for it. I’m not playing nice anymore. I’ll be polite and drive you places, just so I can leave you in the dust. Fuck if I ever get screwed over by someone again. They won’t know what fucking hit them. I don’t care about anyone’s issues but my own. I’m going to drink all the caffeine i want and wake up at 7 in the evening. And yes, I will take naps too. I’ll tell you lies and you’ll tell me secrets. I’m turning things around.
End of ridiculous rant. Well, that wasn’t a rant. It was an expression of sorts. Not to be taken literally. Though I won’t be the same again, I could never be as cold as this world. I have too much damn raw energy flowing inside me. I just have no where to put it. Pictures, words, music… none of it helps. I just need to get rid of this energy and I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I’m sick of thinking. I just want this to go away. I want to make poor choices and feel sick for days. I want to connect to the disconnect that everyone is living in these days. What is it like there? It must be easier, or there wouldn’t be such a following. I’m going to drop out of more than high school. This isn’t good. And no one will help me. Pity and concern don’t do anything, so why is that all I get from the people around me? WTF IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?
My mom want’s to put me back in that damn hospital. I swear this is going to be like a yearly holiday or something. Let’s hope not. Anyways, it’s the middle of the night and I had no one to call except her. And I talked about my day and now she says that she “has to see me”. She just has to. And now I feel really guilty for waking her up to whine about things beyond my control. I am exhausted and running on the fumes of others. I’ve tried and tried and tried, but I still sit up at night, wide awake, unable to stop thinking. I’m sick of seeing doctors and having them prescribe useless junk to me. I’m a million different things and each thing needs some sort of fix. Which leads to some sort of side effect, which leads to some other damn problem. I thought that was just something really old people had to deal with. Like when their health isn’t very good. Boy, I never want to get old. I wish I could speed up time to the day I die, and save everyone all this worrying and crap. With the incredible string of luck I’ve been having I’ll live to be 130 or something! Boo! I’m always kinda scared of old people. I don’t want to ever see someone die yannow. Not that everyone old is gonna die any second… but it’s a lot more likely right?
I think I don’t have any love left inside me. I think that ever since I was 5 and understood things like ‘living’ I slowly left my heart with different people and places. And there’s nothing left in there except for the false hope that my parents keep preaching to me. I can’t get those pieces back, and I don’t think anybody else could replace them. Hmm… my lips are dry and my room is too hot. I’m just not sure if there is a next step for me. I can’t seem to find any reason for trying anymore. I guess I’ll just settle and do things I don’t much like doing for the sake of others. And I’ll try to keep everyone happy. And I’ll drug myself to sleep somehow every night. And maybe there’s some point to that. I truly think I just exsist for other people. But now I’ve got nothing left to give. I’ve been scraped down to the bone (figuratively, and literally I suppose) and my resources are gone. I don’t know why I’d be useful to anybody anymore. And I hate it when my mom goes into “fix” mode. There’s no stopping her. I’m pretty damn tired… and I’m not sure what to do for anybody anymore. I love to make other people happy, but I can’t seem to do that anymore. So I dunno what’s next.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
Published on
September 24, 2008 in
General.
Haha I was just reading back into the archives. This is my highly suicidal birthday post from last year. Oh, things have changed a lot. In all actuality I was reading my old entries to see if I had actually made any progress in my life. Because most of the time it doesn’t feel like it. And I really have! That was uplifting. But, I’m certainly not in paradise either. I want to be reckless and wild and get high and then come back home and fall asleep for two days. And then I want to wake up and feel rested. And alive and well. That’s what I feel like I need. Yet, I know that’s probably the exact opposite of what I need. Then I’m stuck with… what do I need? What do I want? I don’t enjoying wanting things, because then it’s all I do, want, want, want. So what do I want? A massage. A cupcake. A haircut/dye. A good movie. A cuddle. A warm sunny day. A new friend. A personal chef. A parking space. A personal assistant. An orgasm. A bubble bath. A new piece of art. And what do I need? A companion. (Sorry Daisy.) A partner in crime. A movie buddy. A snuggle buddy. A sleepy drunk phone call at 1am to say hi. A lap to collapse into. A person to adore and shower with attention. An artist looking for a muse. An evening only meant for devious behavior. A dive in the neighbor’s pool. A copilot. A mailbox for mix tapes and dirty pictures. Orrr something like that. Oh and lots of material possesions to make me feel like I’m worth something. Ahaha. Not!
Anyways, I’m feeling weirdly inspired to write, even though I have little to write about. So that’s what you get. A post filled with sloppy metaphors and incredibly selfish lists. I wish I had other things to mention. Well, okay, I have an appointment with my medical doctor tomorrow. So if you never hear from me again, I died of fear. They’re going to take my blood like vampires and ask me if I smoke or have sex. And everything will be the same as it always has been. Except about 50 pounds lighter. Egh. Seriously, that personal chef thing is a need, not a want. I don’t need anybody else to come up to me and ask me if I’ve lost weight. While it’s not as embarrassing as being asked if I’ve gained any, it’s not much fun to explain. By the way, did I mention I had a ridiculous orgasm yesterday? I figured I keep it a secret for awhile. But now seems to be the right time. It was unlike any other I’ve had… maybe because I had some pent up energy for oh 2-3 months. Haha, but why am I explaining this to you? I have no idea. It’s that weird urge to write. It must be when something’s bothering me that I have no control over. I take control of my thoughts and form sentences and such. Anyways, I’ve always been the silent type when I orgasm. Yep! In fact I think I usually hold my breath. But I’m not really sure… like I said, it’s been awhile. But yesterday it was very different. Had to shush myself for the neighbors! Whatever kind of mojo I had going, I want it back. I don’t want to lose track of that kind of talent. But, I’m pessimistic and it will probably be another 4 months before I even approach something like that. Hehe. I’m too honest. That’s it. I need to be more mysterious. Then I’ll get my partner in crime. But what the hell am I going to leave to the imagination? My favorite color? Favorite flower? Lame. I need to think on this. Oh yeah, and I’m sorry you had to read all this. Basically, I’m feeling quite lusty but I have no one to lust over.
Enjoy? Let's get cozy over coffee.
